Some people shouldn't even be allowed CRAYONS...

It is 3AM and my unpredictable work schedule and the remnants of the flu I am fighting have conspired to deny me the sleep that is my due. I have no recourse other than to write.

I realize that I have been lax in keeping this blog current. All I can say to that is, “Get used to it.” I still have to inhabit the space of a drudge on a daily basis in order to feed myself and pay my rent, so my writing is, unfortunately, secondary.

Also, I might have said something about continuing/concluding a cell-phone rant. Well, that will happen at some point…I am sure.

What I want to talk about today is writing. Or, more specifically, the lack of clarity that most people exhibit in their frequent attempts to communicate with each other textually. (My own garrulity is, of course, above reproach.)

Now, while I am sure this problem does not exist EVERYwhere (that is, on all levels of written communication) it has seriously affected (if not infected) almost all levels of electronic writing. Here I mean specifically e-mails, text messages and internet postings, be they profiles, blogs or simply web page content.

I realize that, at least as far as text messages are concerned, some amount of leeway can be allowed, simply because many phones do not have full keyboards and certain phone plans are set up in such a way as to make the cost of “texting” prohibitive. It is far easier (and cheaper) to type “r u go 2 bar” on a cell phone than “Are you going to be joining us at the bar this evening?” Also one saves wear and tear on one’s thumbs. This consideration, however, cannot and must not be extended to computer communiqués.

(And frankly, with the advent of full-keyboard phones – of which I have owned two; they are not that expensive – I do not really see any excuse for it to be tolerated amongst phone users for much longer).

Too many people have become lazy and chosen the easy way to do things. While Shakespeare’s Polonius firmly believes that, “…brevity is the soul of wit…” I believe, in this case, it is more an indicator of stupidity.

For the ill-informed, allow me a moment to edify:

sup – a small amount of liquid or food OR the consumption of such

ur – an ancient Sumerian city

peeps – small marshmallow candies shaped into baby chickens and rabbits and sold in the United States

cu – symbol for copper on the periodic table of elements

I do not doubt that it is fun and even oft-times necessary to communicate in code and/or slang. This should only be attempted, however, once the writer has at least a basic grasp of the language that he or she is attempting to manipulate.

Recently, I was perusing the web pages and “works” of a self-proclaimed “notorious” horror author; one who professed to write in a classic-yet-hardcore style. What I found did indeed horrify me, but I am sure it was not in the way the author intended: his grasp of the language was almost at the level of the 7^th grade ESL students I worked with several years ago.

I had no problem explaining to a 13- or 14-year-old why “should of” was improper even though it “sounded” right. The thought of having to explain it to a published author (who, incidentally, has a very high – yet unwarranted – opinion of himself) makes me rather ill.

Just because computers and cell phones have made communication a great deal easier, those who wish to write should not shut off their brains before doing so. Actually, computers make it easier to write properly. Most word processing programs have a built-in dictionary and thesaurus. And, if those are too small or limited, there is a plethora of dictionary and word-related web sites that even the least computer-literate person can find.

I see no excuse for poor writing and I believe that those who do so should be punished soundly. And here I mean any with the ability to purchase a computer/cell phone and the knowledge to use such properly.

(My little disclaimer: I will often advocate harsh responses/consequences for those who are unable or, worse, unwilling to comport themselves, especially in public. However, I fervently believe that truly horrible punishments must be reserved for lying, filthy scumbags like George W. Bush and his kind. Something along the lines of the last circle of Hell. So, please know that I DO keep things in perspective.)

One final note. Regarding people who say things like, “My bad,” and “Where you at?”…if I had my druthers, George would be keeping a spot warm for them…

But more on that later…

The FIRST lesson: Cell Phones (part 1)

The first step towards proper behaviour is achieving (and then maintaining) some level of awareness of one's self. Simply put: pay attention to what you are doing! If you are driving your car or riding your bike, then focus on the road. If you are walking down the sidewalk, pay some attention to where you're putting your feet (this is a simple and easy way to avoid stepping in puddles, potholes and dog-poop); if you are in the kitchen preparing dinner, keep your eyes on the knife so you cut the carrots and not your fingers; if you are interacting with another person face-to-face, pay attention to the other person!

All of this is simple, common-sense advice. It bears repeating, however, because people are allowing "modern technology" to turn them into thoughtless savages. The biggest culprit is, of course, the cell phone. Nothing else comes close.

I am by no means a luddite. I freely admit that I have a cell phone, and that I use it frequently; my nomadic lifestyle demands no less. My cell phone use, however, is significantly more circumspect than that of most people. I do not have an annoying ring tone. I do not hold loud conversations in public places. I do not talk on my phone whilst I should be attending to other matters, i.e. the situation taking place directly in front of me that requires my full attention.

While cell phones have become a useful tool for modern life, and they are indeed great to have in emergency situations, they are far from being necessities in daily life. If you are stranded with an empty gas tank or a blown tire, by all means, use your phone. If you are stuck in the city after the subway stops running and you need to call home for a ride; if your plane is an hour early or an hour late; if traffic on the bridge has come to a grinding halt and you're going to be late for work, then please, flip open your cell and call whomever you must.

If, however, you are standing in line at the grocery store and start to get bored; if you are on the bus/train/trolley/subway and you’re not sure what to do with yourself; if you are in a movie theatre and you suddenly get the urge to share something with your best friend; do not pick up your phone!!

In the grocery store, your time in line is best spent going over the contents of your cart/basket and making sure that you have everything you wish to purchase. Waiting until your cashier has started your transaction – or even worse, waiting until the cashier is more than halfway done – to remember the milk, or orange juice or the cookies for little Susie (because, of course, you were too busy on your important cell phone call) is not only a good way to earn the enmity of your cashier and your fellow shoppers, it’s a great way to get your eggs and tomatoes inadvertently crushed.

If, while traveling to work on the subway, going to a doctor’s appointment on the bus, or just making a day-trip on the train to see dear old Aunt Millie, you suddenly get struck by a massive wave of ennui, do something constructive with your time instead of picking up your cell phone and engaging in petty, malicious gossip [Please don’t even TRY to say that most of these calls are anything else. You’ve been on the subway/bus/train and you’ve heard the rubbish that people talk about!]. Read a book or a newspaper. Fill out a crossword or (shudder) a su doku puzzle. Gaze out the window and try to remember what the hillsides and valleys looked like before all of the hideous pastel townhouses and glittering neon strip malls covered the landscape like maggots on a sun-baked corpse. Strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you or across from you. Or just close your eyes and concentrate on the hypnotic sensation of the vehicle as it sways back and forth on the way to your destination. I would even suggest (though it PAINS me to do so) unraveling your little white headphones, sticking the buds in your ears and turning on your iPod (by the way, don’t think that iPods aren’t on my list; they are. They just happen to be a lesser evil than cell phones).

Grabbing your cell phone and calling someone just to “kill time” is simply not an acceptable solution. If your pending conversation is that important (and I’m almost 100% sure it’s NOT) I suggest you change your plans for the day and go sit with the person you need to talk to and have your chat face-to-face.

I have not heard of it happening yet, but I am sure that, sooner rather than later, some unlucky, unwitting soul will, while yakking mindlessly on the phone, be set upon by fellow riders who have been enraged beyond the point of sanity and be torn to pieces (I envision something akin to Orpheus and the maenads). I’m actually looking forward to that day, if only so that others will learn a valuable object lesson.

So then, what’s left? Ah yes, movie theatres. Do I even need to say anything here? After paying over $10.00 for a ticket, $2-$3 dollars for a drink and $5-$7 dollars for popcorn; after fighting to get a pair of seats together that aren’t directly in front of the screen in the very first row; after sitting through more commercials than an average hour of primetime television, no one deserves to have another’s cell phone conversation thrust upon them.

In this case I will be uncharacteristically blunt (and vulgar) and suggest that anyone who uses a cell phone in a movie theatre – regardless of the reason – deserves an ass-whipping of the utmost severity. That is the only reasonable response.

I’ll break here to let my readers absorb what I’ve said thus far. I’ll be back in a day or so with “Cell Phones (part 2)."

Thank you for your patience.

So, I started this blog right after I'd moved back from Boston to San Francisco. I was never able to properly settle in SF and my writing suffered for it. I've since moved to San Diego and I'm finally putting down some roots.

Get ready to learn some etiquette!